Day 8 – sammiches and my headspace roommate

It’s Thursday again! No Fear!! Except that they forgot I was in back and went without me.   I was coding so I didn’t disengage until the lights went out three-quarters of the way through my audit.  Dinner was an 11pm six-inch steak sub from Sheetz.   It used to be that I could eat a 12-inch, large bag of chips, and a liter cola and still be hungry… not so much anymore.We have been doing this blog for about a week now and a common theme seems to have popped up.  There are a lot of apologies or guilt about what we’re making, a lot of disappointed language about the meals we create, or more specifically, the shortcuts we take.   I noticed it in one of my canned dinner nights…

I pay a great deal of attention to language. The words we choose to use and not use can be as subtle and glaring as body language.  I suffer from social anxiety and I am awkward in the company of strangers.   I focus on these queues in body and speech consciously largely because I miss them if I’m not paying attention.

While I wouldn’t say that I suffer from depression, I will say that I live with it.   It’s fairly mild and I can recognize its voice more often than not.   I relate a lot of things to games… Depression is like my live-in buddy, shit-talking my gameplay while it’s my turn.

I hear it when I make the canned food.  Even though I like the taste of the ravioli, I fell guilty about making it.  It’s like I’m not doing enough, or doing it right.  I didn’t spend an hour doing prep (even though I didn’t have that hour to spend…) or I didn’t spend a huge amount on fresh groceries ( I buy the cans at $1… even though I know I can get more volume from individual ingredients for the same price, dealing with packaging and storing leftovers and cleanup is it’s own hassle).  I am trying to decide that no matter the ‘quality’ of food, the act of putting food on the table is a good thing.  By eating, I am choosing to live (and quell the discomfort that is hunger). By living, I get to see what interesting thing happens tomorrow.

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